Bought some new clothes this week because I thought of an outfit that I thought would look good. I totally doesn’t. I find it’s so much faster to try outfits in a store and buy them if it looks/feels good.
Still feel like I’m trying to figure out what my style is. I feel motivated to do it but a bit clueless as to how to do it. I realise most people just kind of buy stuff and wear it if they want to. This has kind of worked for me in the past with certain outfits but I’m feeling dissatisfied.
This apartment gives me a sense of dissatisfaction sometimes but there’s part of me that makes me think it’s actually just my life.
I think the past few days I haven’t really focused on myself, but rather my job. I think today it really came to a focal point where all of my thoughts became focused inward and amplified this sense of dissatisfaction.
I missed codebar.io because I didn’t put it in my calendar, and I feel really annoyed at myself about that.
Also, working harder doesn’t make me feel better.
A common thing that I keep doing is feeling so motivated to work that I work really late and then tire myself out. Then for the rest of the week (usually Thursday and Friday) I feel like I have a lot less energy. And in the evenings Tuesday - Wednesday I have a lot less energy to enjoy free time. Everything feels like too much effort. On bad weeks it will mean I stay inside for days at a time.
I have so much to be grateful for, I must remember that. I should be grateful that I can work a fixed number of hours a day and know that my job is secure and I am motivated to do it.
I think I try to discover satisfaction through working harder but of course this isn’t possible. Satisfaction through learning/teaching/helping is definitely possible but working longer will only make me feel exhausted and dissatisfied that I couldn’t do more. The feeling reminds me of when I used to stay up late playing games with the words “one more game” coming to mind at the end of every round. I think I need to rediscover a healthy work/life balance.